Enjoy!
Tommy Cooper Jokes: -
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excirment of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.
This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.
So I took up a collection.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.
And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.
When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.
I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.
I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'.
I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'
Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.
I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.
My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.
My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'
I hurt my back the day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.
"I was nearly a step-child,
my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."
"My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other."
"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets."
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said
"Yes, this is my livelihood."
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....
Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'
I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."
So I did, and I got it....
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......
I bumped into an old friend the other day.
He's got poor eyesight as well!
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'i'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll beat it'
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type.'
I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
the other day there was a fire at the factory that
makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
duck".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes,
he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there
were no salivas.
"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor,
I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
"No, you're right the steaks are too high."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says
"What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Starting tonight with Mountain Vets at 8 .....the Worlds Poshest hotel on C5 plus 1 at 9 
We're hoping more of you will come and 
We'd love everyone to come and have a go......if you think you're hard enough! 
already 
Hollyoaks' Jorgie Porter is likely to be the girl the cameras will capture in the shower this year
Singer Tony Hadley thinks that he will be the shoulder to cry on in the jungle
Duncan Bannatyne OBE will miss his comfy bed and his girlfriend the most
Susannah Constantine says she'll be the mum in the camp
Union J's George Shelley thinks his role will be Jack of all trades in the camp
