The England Team have voted that john Terry should keep his armband and travel to Sout Africa with them...With a Capello ban on wives and girlfriends travelling no-one wants the bugger left behind!

  good one Croc.

Capello has just phoned Wayne Bridge up to advise him that John Terry has lost the captains armband...He then added 'do me a favour, look under your bed and see ifou can find it'

So Wayne Bridge has announced that he refuses to play for England if JT is captain,
Let's hope JT sleeps with Heskeys missus soon

Old lady goes to dentist, sits in the chair,
drops her knickers and lifts her legs up.....dentists says "I'm not a gynaecologist stupid"....."I know" she says "I want you to take my husband's teeth out".

Since my mother in law went senile all she does is stare through the window, bless her....one day, if its really cold I may let her in!

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.  
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. 
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her knickers, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. 

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a 
sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her ar$e that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Nice ones

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

Why did the baker have smelly hands?  Because he needed a poo.

Fracas you really need to grow up - so why am i laughing - ha ha ha
Daft bugger, lol

Ken and his wife Edna went to the County fair every year, 
And every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid,
And fifty quid is fifty quid'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,
and Ken said,'Edna, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! 
But if you say one word it's fifty pounds.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. 
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, 
But still not a word. ...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Ken replied, 
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,  fifty quid is fifty quid'  

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And every step that Mary took
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
Twas split right up the front
.......she didn't wear that one very often!   

Hmm...I've gotta funny feeling the missus is having sex behind my back.

John Terry has done nothing wrong. All the coaching manuals state that is the Full Back leaves a hole, it is the job of the Centre Back to fill it.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5.lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute and then relax. 

Each day you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks move up to 10.lb potato bags.

Then try 50.lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100.lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)

 After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Har har brisket! I like that one..well I'm over 50.

brisket

This is how you had me banned from C4. You're not fooling me  with this one.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.


 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.


 I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'


 I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'


 I went to the doctor the other day, I said 'it hurts when I do that' he said ' well don't do it'


 I went to the doctor the other day, I said 'with all the excitment of Christmas I can't sleep'' he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'



My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.



 I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.


 Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners


 One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'



 We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.


 This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.


 A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.


 I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.



 So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'



 A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.



 I had a meal last night, I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody, It was a Chinese restaurant.



 And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'



 I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.



 I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.



 I went to the doctor the other day I said 'have you got anything for wind' so he gave me a kite.


 When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.


 I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'.


 I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.


 I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.



 'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?


' Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.



 I'm on a whisky diet, i've lost three days already.


 My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.


 My wife phoned me just before the show and said, 'I've got water in the carburetor, I said 'Where's the car' She said 'In the river'


 I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.


 This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.


 "I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."


 "My mother was always pulling my leg, that's why one is six inches longer than the other."


 "I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he told me he had taken a job as a postman. He said it was better than walking the streets."


 And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes, this is my livelihood."


 I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids....


 I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....


 I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it....



 So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


 He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".


 I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas! It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......



 I bumped into an old friend the other day. He's got poor eyesight as well!


 Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.



 Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



 "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."



 "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'


 He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'



 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."



 Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start"



 "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"



 A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"



 A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places. The doctor said "well don't go there any more"


 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's crosseyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"



 I bought a greyhound about a month ago, A friend of mine said to me, 'what are you going to do with it?' I said 'i'm going to race it'. He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll beat it'



 Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


 What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG


 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


 So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died

For this joke to be funny you have to actually picture the scenario.

What do you call a man in the bath with no arms and no legs? Bob!!!!