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The Zen of Sarcasm 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  
Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me the Hell alone...

2. T
he journey of a thousand miles begins with a

broken fan belt and leaky tire 

 It's always darkest before dawn.  
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's

 newspaper, that's the time to do it. 

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be

 replaced, you can't be promoted. 

5. Always remember that you're unique.

Just like everyone else 

6. N
ever test the depth of the water with both feet

7. I
f you think nobody cares if you're alive,

try missing a couple of car payments. 

8. Before you criticize someone,

you should walk a mile in their shoes.  
That way, when you criticize them,

you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 

 . If at first you don't succeed,

skydiving is probably not for you. 

10 .  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in

a boat and drink beer all day . 

 If you lend someone $20 and never see

 that person again, it was probably

 a wise investment. 

12 . If you tell the truth,

you don't have to remember anything. 

13. Some days you're the bug;

some days you're the windshield


14. Everyone seems normal

until you get to know them. 

15. T
he quickest way to double your money is  
to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot

17. D
uct tape is like 'The Force'.

It has a light side and a dark side, 

and it holds the universe together. 

18. There are two theories to arguing

 with women.  Neither one works. 

19 Generally speaking, you aren't learning

 much when your lips are moving

20. Experience is something you don't get

until just after you need it. 

 Never miss a good chance to shut up


 Never, under any circumstances,  take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.




"Impossibilities are God's specialties"











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