Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

 

The bar man asks If he wants a pint of the usual

 

Descartes says, "I think not"

 

 . . . and promptly disappears !!  

 

Pavlov is sitting in his garden when his phone suddenly rings,

 

"Oh crap", he says, "I forgot to feed the dogs!!"

 

Lol  

Ghandi used to walk bare foot causing impressive foot calluses.

He ate very little which made him quite frail.

And with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him ...  super calloused, fragile, mystic hex by halitosis

More my level...

 Yup ...I knew it would all be over my head but I clicked anyway!

A linguistics teacher was explaining a double negative in English makes a positive.

Where as in Russian a double negative remained negative.

 

However he said, no where, in any language can a double positive express a negative.

 

A voice from the back of the room suddenly said,

"Yeah - right"

And from the Sun newspaper when Jason Orange split from Take That,

 

"The future's bright - but not orange"

On a simpler note ... but still genius

 

Tim Vine joked,

 

"I'm selling my hoover. Well, it was just collecting dust" 

Q: What does the "B" in "Benoit B Mandelbrot" stand for?

A: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to  change a lightbulb?

 

A:

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

- Billy Connolly

A photon walked into a hotel

When asked if there were any bags to take to the room the photon said,

"No - I travel light"

There are only 10 types of peepil.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
haha geddit?

(The old ones are the best!)

I geddit but 10001101101111 people didn't

Kiwis tell this joke:

 

Q. What's the difference between Australia and a pot of yoghurt?

A. There's more culture in a pot of yoghurt

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"

 

I noticed today on a t-shirt for sale.
There are two types of people....
1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I'm off to get the grandkids-wish me luck!

And on a Geordie note . . .

 

"I think therefore wey aye am"

And on a religious note . . .

 

A little boy was asked to paint a picture of the Virgin Mary.

He did so but the background was in yellow.

If its the sea it should be in blue said his Mum.

Its vomit said the boy.

Why!! asked his mum.

 

Mary is praying for the sick he said

God said to Mathew,

"Come forth and I shall give you everlasting life"

 

However Mathew came fifth and won a toaster

ATHEISM - a non-prophet organisation

There was the quantum scientist who was besides himself.

 

That one may need an explanation :

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sci...ible-world-time.html

 

(My) Mother is the necessity for invention.

 

If a man talks in the woods

 

And a woman doesn't hear him

 

... is he still wrong

 

(not my joke)

What do we want?

 

A cure for Tourette's

 

When do we want it?

 

Tw@t

Oh, you really don't want to start me down the "quantum mechanics jokes" path.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Erwin Schrödinger: The chicken crossed the road and didn't cross the road simultaneously.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a car mechanic and a quantum mechanic?

A: The quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door.

 

 

Q: Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?

A: Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.

 

[Allegedly true story:

Heisenberg went for a drive outside Munich and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked "Do you know how fast you were going?", to which Heisenberg replied "No, but I know where I am."]

 

 

 And an oldie but goodie to finish:

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I've just lost an electron!"

The other replied "Really? Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm absolutely positive."

 

I may not know much about current affair but I know where to put my money.

 

So I decided to invest in an ISIS with that high street branch The Northern Alliance

There's a simple alternative answer to Schrodinger's Cat paradox and that's a zombie cat.

I was perusing the Archers FaceBook page earlier. Also known as the page for Middle Englanders with zero tolerance for the divine, delightful, and fragrant Helen.
One of the posts reminded me of the lady who walked into a cocktail bar and asked for a Double Entendre. The barman gave her one.

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him down a hill......

 

How do do you make  Greek urn?

Send him out to work.....

 

No insult intended to either nation of people

One for Baz......
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. Three to turn the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured balloons.

How to confuse a Geordie physio.
Tell them you have knee complaints.

A woman next to me dropped a £10 note

I wondered,

"What would Jesus do?"

He'd turn it into wine, I thought.

 

So I bought a nice Pinot Grigio

And when I poured it into a glass and drank it, I found that it had turned into water.

 

(sorry, Saint, I couldn't resist it )